IBS and Panic disorder
My story
By Lori from the USA
First Event
Panic Disorder and IBS
IBS and panic disorder took hold of my life when I was 15 years old. I am 48 now, so I have been struggling with this for over 30 years.It started on a normal sunny day in El Paso, Texas. One day, while riding my bike home from a friend's house, I had a dreadful attack of diarrhea, and didn't make it home on time. I felt utterly ashamed. I was utterly shaken to the core. I snuck into my own house, showered, and did the clean up and laundry in secret. I never told anyone what happened. I never even thought I might have the flu or something. I just became terrified of riding my bike.
Increaced fear
Panic Disorder and IBS
Soon, anxiety began to rule me. I became afraid not just of riding my bike, but of taking walks, riding in cars, standing in lines, being in theaters (if I didn't have a seat on the edge of the row), and many other situations.
I could go places if I knew there was a bathroom nearby. I experienced head tingling, hand sweating, faintness and nausea if I was trapped in a bathroom-less place. I felt my innards begin to roil anytime I didn't have a quick way out.
My safe places became fewer and my anxiety became stronger, until I was reduced to getting from home to school and back, and that was my whole sphere of movement. Travelling and shopping became a misery of dread before, panic during and shame following.
Panic Disorder and IBS
I had an "incident" of loss of bowel control probably once or twice a year. Just often enough to keep me terrified.
Back in the 80's there were no Oprah Winfrey type shows to help me name my problem. FINALLY, I heard the word agoraphobia somewhere, and I began reading up.
The IBS factor was never really addressed. I went to the doctor and had upper and lower GI workups, but of course there was nothing structurally wrong, so they mainly dismissed it and told me to take
Imodium
. Or maybe back then we just had
Pepto Bismol
!
I know that when I was young, my troubles were mainly dismissed. I felt like I had a terrible, shameful character flaw and I was guilty and ashamed.
Well, life went on, and years went by. Despite my restricted lifestyle, I managed to marry, have two kids and complete college.
I taught elementary school, and was a smashing good teacher. I had trouble and stress while out in the playground during fire drills, and on field trips, but otherwise did pretty well in the environment I created in my classroom.
Panic Disorder and IBS
Travel
Panic Disorder and IBS
I struggled mightily figuring out how to travel by car and plane. I managed to do it, but suffered immense anxiety and did not enjoy trips very much at all.I remember specific moments where things went out of control, like four days after my daughter's birth. I went hobbling through a mall close to my house, my first post-birth outing. Thank God the baby was at home with my mom. I felt that old familiar rumble, ran for the bathroom and didn't make it. A kind woman, as I was crying and cleaning myself up in the mall restroom said "Honey, you just hold your head up and walk outta here. There's no reason for you to be ashamed." I think she'll never know what that kindness meant to me... Panic Disorder and IBS
I remember driving a friend home after eating dinner with her at a restaurant. I got her home, but knew that I wasn't going to make it home myself. I was in a panic, trying to decide whether to fight it or surrender. I jumped out of my car and made a dash for a store, but never made it beyond a few feet in the parking lot. So I had to get back in my car in that state, drive home and deal with the aftermath. It is SO humiliating. Even though you know it isn't your fault, it is still a mortifying experience. I don't want to go into all the details of meds and diets I have tried over the years. I want to foucs on how I have been able to maintain my dignity, humor and self esteem through this chronic illness.
Present day
Panic Disorder and IBS
These days I am pretty functional. I take Lotronex, which seems to regulate me pretty well. I double my dose when I am travelling. Sometimes it helps and sometimes I have "break through" attacks. If I am feeling unstable, I use very large pads that fit inside your underwear. They are much larger and wider than sanitary pads, and I think they mostly help me psychologically, because if I start to lose control, I can still have enough time to find a bathroom without a catastrophic situation to deal with.
I have an RV to travel in. It is a small (slightly larger than a van) Winnebago Lesharo. I thank Rick for the idea! I have had some pretty fun trips in it, and we camp a lot, so it has been a great addition and has made me feel freer and less stressed. I think I can say I am almost over the anticipatory anxiety cycle. I sleep well, even before I travel by plane, and that is a miracle.
Conclusion
Panic Disorder and IBS
This chronic condition can be "lived around". Try to understand it as a process and don't think of each outing as a test that must be passed. Think of each outing as an experiment or practice. Take the pressure off yourself. You don't have to MAKE your anxiety stop. If you relax and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling without judging yourself for feeling this way, suddenly you realize that things are feeling less intense. Also, don't hide your condition. There is no reason to be ashamed. Sometimes sharing it is an act of compassion. Most of all, I learned that I love being alive on the planet. I love who I am on it. I take the joy and sorrow as it is vouchsafed me, and know it all stems from the same source.
You can contact Lori using the general
"Contact us"
page, and mark your message for her attention.
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